Restless.....again

I realize I wrote and posted this a few weeks ago, but in the light of the recent events...its seems a little more surreal now...

I'm restless again...

.you've got that feeling creeping back in.

 I hate this feeling. Uncontrol of myself. 

You found the only crack in my armor

keep seeping yourself in 

only at the most convenient times

You come and go 

 I'm unsure of what to do

I swallowed my pride and gave you my soul

Oh how lucky you are, thats something I'd never generally do

I've got to get back on track. 

I was doin so good too. 

I really don't want to feel like I have to hide about this again. 

I need a release.

 The workouts aren't doing their jobs anymore. 

Drinking to forget instead of enjoyment. 

Writing has begun to bore me. 

Painting is hard with no thoughts or drive. 

I can't sleep. 

My skin is a mess from this stress.

The anxiety is back....yet again...

Constant torture-

-continuous thoughts of what I can't control or change-

-the waiting is unbearable.

 I just wish I was sure of what this wait was for.

My life is on pause. To be continued.

 Constant pressure.

 I wish something would come along to occupy me. 

Occupy and entertain my thoughts.

Nothing seems to work.

There must be a reason for this.

Fear of the future.

Forgiving the past.

Heavy on my shoulders.

I feel like someone is following me.

I shouldn't have to watch my back.

I know your ass is coming before I ever see you

I'm so completely sure this isn't normal.

I shouldn't feel like this.

My emotions are raging.

From one scale to the next.

Don't stand so close,

I might snap your neck.

It's not my fault

I cant control it.

I'm  a total reckless mess.

How is this possible 

I don't understand it.

It just isn't me to not be in control of it.

The pleasure and the pain inflicted over this.

I'm positive your part of my past.

Way back when,

before the brutality of this new world,

before the electronics, maybe before the shiny cars

before the slave hangings, before the oil on the shore.

I know you to well to not know that.

This is the only thing I am sure of.

Go back to your homeland

make a new life there

your to close for my comfort

you just cant stay here

I'll buy you a ticket 

rent you a boat

you torture me

go far the fuck away

so I can get back to being me

I didnt sell my soul to the devil

this shit don't seem fair

I could totally pretend

pretend I never met your ass

If only you didnt scream my name

making sure I never forget your ass.

No chance of that happening 

I can assure you of that.

You make my skin crawl

pupils dilate

nostrils flaring

my stomach gets upset

I break out in cold sweats

nerves start jumping

hands start shaking

Can't you see your unhealthy for me

I know you dont want to do that to me

I pretend you have the same symptoms

it makes me feel like we relate

Sometimes its not pretending

I can see it in your ......wait......

all that bobbin and weavin

and lookin over shoulders

the constant stares but so quick to look away

you damn well know I see you

the jittery hands and constant movement

the shine on your face

dilated pupils and ......

me knowing every move your going to make

go away 

 relieve me from my restlessness

keep your voice out of my armor

I dont want to wait until next Summer

I dont want to be your friend

not even your homey

dont even want to see you face

your not prepared for me

as much as I complain and wish you'd disappear

the only time my soul is alive is when you stand near me

so completely alive again, never thought that was possible

I'm aware of my life again 

my feelings have been numbed from a disastrous life

your job is done here.....

so when's the next flight