Some more funny stuff!! GNR

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

I dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that

 I laughed when he pulled out a trojan magnum, until I realized it was because he needed it.

who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.

Sorry about ur girl dumping u bro (419): It's cool when I was packing my stuff I put some icy hot on her dildo

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

 Dude I don't know how to put this, but your mom just woke up in the same bed as me and offered to make me breakfast. I'm sorry

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related.

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

 just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches. (1-402): At least he's a nutritious stoner...

Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.

Haha I'm already in my puss (925): Pjs** that was an awkward auto correct

Haha I forgive you! Sooo... this may be awkward but I gotta say it. Uh.. I don't remember pulling out last night. (1-714): hahah i figured you didn't, it's cool.

 OMG! I just found a guy who doesn't wanna have sex till mairrage. I feel like I found a unicorn.

 OMG! I just found a guy who doesn't wanna have sex till mairrage. I feel like I found a unicorn.

 I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time (1-309): I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

So you threw up in the toilet as I was taking a piss, for the rest of the night you sat in the corner crying, randomly yelling WHY? WHAT DID I DO TO YOU TO MAKE YOU PISS ON MY HEAD?

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

 Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.

Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation

 I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously.

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things