more funny stuff from drunk people

Will jizzing on my face make you feel like a man again, cause if it will. Do it. Seriously. Glasses on or off?

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

I'm drunk, horny, and already struck out twice. (1-635): Why are you telling me this? (635): You're basically tee ball, and I wanna hit a home run.

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

I just found out I'm a broken condom baby, I guess that explains my allergy to latex

We made a drinking game out of Shark Week... you drink everytime they say shark...how do you think my night went????

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date based on the performance of their cocks?

Here's a deal for you... you delete that video of me and I'll delete your bastard offspring.

we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.