Funny stuff from drunk people

The numbers in between words in some of these are replies from text messages

Without the cheeseburger, Ronald McDonald is just another guy in a clown suit!

Your mom asked why you were limping, then you replyed saying "shuttup bitch, that aint no limp its my swagga".

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

K. On the way. I need a drink. (904): Like a drink drink or like water? (601): Have we met?

I found her facebook. It's halfway private. I must gain access but refuse to request her as a friend. That's like inviting an STD into your life

 I woke up with my shirt on as pants... (610) Oh god what did you do last night (763) I Lived

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

.When i finally pulled out, i had a condom on (1-608): Yeah, so? (608): I didnt start with one

WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

 I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

I fucking hate it when I shave my legs and I don't get laid.

Is a strippers vagina still considered a private part

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

DUDE!!!!!! My fingers hurt like hell!! (1-760): That's because you decided to become the drunk superhero and put your fingers in the stapler.. Repeatedly (760): You're lying (1-760): You're the one with the injuries